SUB-PRIMATE CRISIS
DAMAGES MORE TOP TORTOISE IS. BANKS
Four more of
the largest banks in the Tortoise Islands have been hit by the
deepening sub-primate mortgage crisis that has swept The Islands.
The crisis has spread overseas in headline news with severe implications
for other major world economies such as the United States, Zimbabwe
and Europe.
The deepening
crisis, which has now swept up four major banks like a broom, began
when investors bought off the shelf, under the counter, up the sleeve,
below the radar, sleight of hand, collateralized debt obligations
hedged by margin calls in securitized mortgages, asset-backed in
derivative vehicles and commercial notes side issued under the table.
These core vehicles were originally designed by economists from
the World Chaos
Disorganization (WCD).
The latest dramatic
casualties are ChimpiBank, MonkeyLunch, OrangutanStanley and Lemur
Brothers, widely regarded as four of the five most respected banks
in the Tortoise Islands. Only the legendary Tortoise
Bank, largest of all the islands' banks, escaped the crisis.
The Chairman of the Feral Reserve, Mr Alan Dreamspam, is widely
expected to intervene in the sub-primate crisis as a matter of urgency
as soon as possible without delay, possibly as soon as just two
months after the Reserve moves without hesitation to convene an
emergency meeting on 1 April next year.
SHOCK ERROR FOUND IN
ZIMBABWE POLL RESULT
An error has
been identified in the official poll results for the June 29 Zimbabwe
run-off elections. The election was resoundingly won by Dearest
Leader, His Excellency, Wonderful Person, Defender of Justice,
Font of Wisdom, Philosopher Extraordinaire, Six Star General,
Very Handsome, President For Life, Sir Robert Mugabe M.Econ.,
K.C.Z.E., Dada Imperial Emperor: Zanu-PF.
The official government
results from the Harare Tally Room were 127 per cent for Mr Mugabe
(ZANU-PF) and -37 per cent for Mr Morgan Tsangirai (MDC).
Political analysts
from the WCD
have pointed out that the sum of 127 and -37 is only 90, which would
of course be impossible.
The university
group has pointed out that ZANU-PF must have fudged the figures
by 10 per cent, and that the final corrected tally figures should
stand at ZANU-PF (127 per cent) and MDC (-27 per cent), resulting
in an accurate margin differential of 154 per cent. The revised
figures, however, still deliver a convincing win to Mr Mugabe
and world leaders are expected to recognise the election result
within days.
HOPELESS DIAMOND DISAPPEARS
FROM CONGO MUSEUM
Police
in Central Africa have announced that the world's largest diamond,
the Hopeless Diamond, has been stolen. Widely regarded as the
most intriguing diamond in the world, the Hopeless Diamond is
reputed to surround it's bearer with misfortune. Yet it is supremely
beautiful, and therein lies its incomparable attraction.
The
Hopeless Diamond had been on public display in the Treasure Room
at the Congo Museum of Antiquities in the Republic of the Congo.
After opening the museum on Monday morning, guards noticed that
the glass cabinet had been smashed open and it's contents removed.
Most of the other rare and priceless artifacts in the same room
were mysteriously left untouched, though an exceedingly rare gold
goblet believed to have belonged to the Knights-Templar is also
missing. The priceless goblet is one of only 12 that ever existed,
and was used at the Last Supper 2000 years ago.
Road
blocks were set up around the museum but to no avail, and the diamond
remains at large. Police are baffled by the theft. Firstly, as the
largest and most famous diamond in the world, it cannot be worn
in public without arousing suspicion. And secondly, with such a
terrible reputation, the possessor of the Hopeless Diamond must
be constantly worried by its fearsome history and fateful destiny.
Seven
previous owners of the diamond are known to have met horrible or
violent deaths, all within a short time of taking possession of
the gem.
KINGPIN TIN SEEN IN
SWITZERLAND SAYS SWISS NAVY
An exclusive
report obtained by Loungecast from reliable Swiss
Navy sources states that the world's largest robot Kingpin
Tin has been sighted in Switzerland. The terrifying documents
state that the Navy went on to full red alert before losing contact
with Kingpin Tin as 12 Swiss F18 fighters were scrambled like
an omelette.
Kingpin Tin
has not been seen, at least officially, since 2006 when he was
officially confirmed as being in Nth Korea around the time of
the controversial long range missile tests that year. No theory
or reason has yet been advanced for that visit, said government
spokesperson Kim De Jung, who didn't want to be named.
However, in Switzerland,
scientists fear that Kingpin Tin is there to coincide with the imminent
activation of the controversial Large Hadron Collider (LHC) now
being tested. It is feared that Kingpin Tin is seeking sub-atomic
particles for his next-gen weapon systems which may even include
hypothetical killer particles known as strangelets. If so, it would
add to speculation that Kingpin Tin is developing a death ray to
add to his already formidable armoury.
Back in the Tortoise
Islands, in response to the Swiss crisis, the head of The
Island's armed forces, General Backbreaker, is rumored to be increasing
security surrounding the WCD's
experimental Even Larger Particle Collider (ELPC) as their testing
program continues.
The ELPC is about
two miles (3.2 km) longer than the LHC.
Loungecast.com
The world's most
authoritative fiction source since 1908
Number 001 — 01 September 2008
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